This article is super-helpful and makes a lot of things make sense
But I still need to unload on yesterday – We had another fight, based around lack of understanding and me trying to explain. One thing that came out loud and clear for me was that if I say “my garden/dog/kids” etc then he backs off. The rule is that that isn’t his but is mine so why should he be involved. I am doing the play. That is my play and he doesn’t need to get involved, which also means he doesn’t need to help at home because it is my choice to do my thing and it invades his time when he should be with me. Interesting!! Exhausting but I think I sort of get it.
The above article makes sense too on how when I come in in a bad mood he falls apart. He is picking up that I’m in a bad mood and cannot process it and decides it must be his fault. It isn’t that he doesn’t care, but that he cares too much, but cannot work out that me being in a bad mood is not his fault. In fact it isn’t anyone’s fault. Last night I was tired and yes I was niggled that he had got things wrong – wrong bins put out, cat food in dog’s bowl, table not laid, fire lit but room not sorted, only done what asked with supper – but nothing major that an “I’m sorry” and a laugh and a hug wouldn’t have sorted. But he went into defensive mode and so we fought. And when tired I’m in too deep before I realise what’s happened.
The article helps but won’t put it right!